I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
