i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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