Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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