You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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