I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
