A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
