I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
