Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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