This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
