Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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