they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
