No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
