Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
