i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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