...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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