So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
