apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
