so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
