I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
