i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
