you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
