I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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