if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
