I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
