I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
