A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
