Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need to calm my uterus...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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