he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
