I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
