Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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