remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
