this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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