New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize