There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
