I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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