I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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