the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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