I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
