How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
