It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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