why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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