she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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