I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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