see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
