I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
