So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
