dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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