Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
