can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
