Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
