I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
