I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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