woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
