fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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