did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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