piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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