My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
