Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
